RAISE YOUR OWN GRANDCHILDREN…COULD YOU?

She had her first baby at 16, now, 29 years later, Jennifer McDonald’s youngest is in prekindergarten. Three more of her grandchildren, whom she’s raising, are in second and third grade.

At 45 years of age, Jennifer, and her husband, Thomas, 48, have already raised three children of their own. They also helped raise Tom’s own brother and sister. Now, they are raising four of their own eight grandchildren by court approved action.

Statistics show that 2.7 million grandparents are raising some 13 million grandchildren nationwide. Child welfare agencies report an increase in placing children with relatives when taken from parents battling drug addictions and mental health issues.

Being a parent to your own grandchildren may not seem right to some people. 

“But, at the end of the day, you are alone with your thoughts. As your head hits the pillow, only you know what is right for you,” said Jennifer. “No matter what others think they know, go for (what you think is right)…fight for it…It was right for me.”

Jennifer and Tom met in their early teens. She was in junior high school. He was a few years older and the son of her parents’ friends. They saw a lot of each other at family gatherings and eventually fondness grew to love.

“We were married two months after our son, Matthew, was born. We went to the courthouse and because of my age, the judge had to give us permission to be married. Because we already had a child, no one asked our parents.”

After that, Jennifer finished high school by going four nights a week for an hour and a half class each night.

“I had trouble leaving the baby to go to school,” she said. “I missed him terribly.” After graduation, she became a stay-at-home mom. Soon, their second child, Samantha, was born.

Tom was the oldest of four children. There was a wide age gap between the two oldest and the two youngest. His father was a county coroner and worked long hours. So, when his mother was diagnosed with Ovarian cancer and died within nine months’ time, it was the beginning of a change for all of them.

“I remember coming home a few days after my mother-in-law passed to find my father-in-law packing up our apartment!” He had decided—without consulting anyone – that Jennifer and Tom would move into his house and raise Tom’s younger brother, 12, and sister, 10.

Now, Jennifer was 18 years old with four children to raise. Even though there were eight other aunts and uncles in nearby states, it was never a question that Tom and Jennifer would “come home”.

“I didn’t know any better,” Jennifer said. “I never questioned. I simply cooked and cleaned and got everyone off to school. I was also breastfeeding, and did so for two years for each of my children.”

Tom’s father eventually started dating, and even moved a special woman friend into the house, but she only stayed for a month. As time passed, Tom’s father never remarried, the brother and sister got older and more self-sufficient. So, Tom and Jennifer moved back into a place of their own. Life went on.

“Before I turned 21, we had our third child, Andrew, and I was content just to be at home. When I was growing up, it was the same way. My parents were well-to-do, and I never wanted for anything. But, I didn’t need much. I didn’t go out, and was perfectly fine with it.”

When their youngest child went to kindergarten, Jennifer realized she was “bored to death”. She decided to get a job, and began waitressing nearby. “That lasted for many years,” she remembers. Until their three children were in junior high.

“So, I decided to go to school and train for a new job,” she said. That’s how she became a veterinarian tech. Two years of feeding, cleaning, playing with pets made her realize the job was taking way too much of her life. So, she quit and stayed home for another year.

One day, she and a girlfriend decided they wanted to be nurses. They went to Orlando Technical College to apply and found a waiting list for the nursing program.

The clerk encouraged her to study for the Certified Nurse’s Assistant (CNA) certificate while waiting for nursing school. Jennifer says now that she didn’t realize the difference. “I just remember thinking, ‘I’m going to be a nurse!”

In the CNA program, she found most of her classmates had been ordered to train for a job and were not interested in the schoolwork. She wanted to be there and became a good student. Soon after graduation, she went to a job interview at Winter Park Memorial Hospital.

“When I arrived, the manager was asking questions oddly different from what I expected,” she remembered. “Then, she started saying what she really needed were CNAs. It turns out, she thought I was applying for the Secretarial position!”  Needless to say, Jennifer was hired.

For the next six years, she worked at the hospital. But, an event her own daughter suffered at age 12, began to surface and would completely change Jennifer and Tom’s life again:

“Back then, my oldest son was into basketball and one day, when all the moms were visiting during a practice, a neighbor of ours, a grown man with children of his own, took Samantha to a side practice room and sexually assaulted her. Samantha never told anyone.”

About a month later, Samantha confided in an adult who told a teacher who told Jennifer. To this day, her daughter has not told Jennifer all the details, “But, it was the start of the path she eventually went down.”

Diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), Samantha began her years of counseling. The predator was eventually arrested for another assault case. Trying to spare her the agony of testifying, Jennifer and Tom never pressed for their own case believing justice was served.

But the damage was done. A few years later, when she started seeing boys, Samantha became pregnant with her first child. Just, 11 months later, after the birth of her first child, Samantha delivered premature twins, one of whom had nephrology problems.

“On the day the twins were born, I took my entrance exam for Licensed Practical Nurse (LPN) school,” Jennifer said. “Then, 10 months later, their father was in a horrific motorcycle accident breaking over 10 bones in his body. He was in a coma for almost two weeks, and in the hospital for three months.”

By the time, he was sufficiently recovered, he was addicted to pain killers.

“They were all living with us by then. I saw so many bags of unopened pain medicines that I began tossing them away,” Jennifer said. “He was abusive and, one night, I locked him out of the house.”

That was the beginning of the end of that relationship. He moved in with his parents and Samantha stayed at home – with all the kids.

“My daughter, by now, didn’t want to be alone. So, her next boyfriend was worse than the first – he was violent. At 26, he already had 9 or 10 court documented paternity cases,” she said.

“When Samantha became pregnant with Connor, Tom and I started calling the Florida Domestic Court (FDC) to get custody of the kids,” Jennifer said. “One night, I received a call from a hospital.

The nurse said my daughter had appeared claiming she had been in a car accident. The extent of her bruises, and the fact there was no police report, did not convince the nurse. She had to report it to the FDC. Her report was the reason the FDC took Tom and my request for custody seriously.”

During this same period, Tom’s father was diagnosed with cancer which eventually metastasized to his spine and kidneys.

“One day, we received a call from the hospital. They told us there was nothing more they could do for him. They were going to talk to him about hospice, and the family needed to be there.”

At the bedside, during the talk about going to hospice, Jennifer’s cell phone began to ring. It continued unceasingly, even though she was trying to ignore it, and concentrate on the conversation. Her husband asked her to see who was calling. It was her cousin who said the

Sheriff’s Department was trying to reach her about Samantha, who was still expecting delivery.

She and her boyfriend had gotten into a fist fight while driving. With the three other children in the back seat, they had crashed the car. The boyfriend fled the scene. 

Because of the boyfriend fleeing, Samantha had not been arrested, and was sent home with the kids. Later, when she received a call from the boyfriend, and went out to find him, the police followed her, and both were arrested.

Now, the FDC gave Jennifer and Tom temporary custody of all three children.

When Connor was born, the FDC rep was at the bedside, and immediately put the infant into Tom and Jennifer’s care.

By this time, Jennifer was over 40, working 12-hour shifts at the hospital, attending classes for LPN school, raising three young children and, now, a newborn infant.

It was during a birthday celebration for a hospital co-worker when Jennifer received a call that the FDC had awarded her and Tom full custody of the children.

“I am so blessed that it worked out the way it did,” Jennifer said. “On December 31^st, we received permanent custody of the four children. A year later, we were granted final custody.”

She graduated as an LPN soon after that.

Do Jennifer and Tom treat all eight of their grandchildren the same?

“No, actually, we don’t,” Jennifer said. “It’s not the same. We must stop being grandparents to the four in our home and be their parents. I describe raising my grandchildren like a two-sided book:”   “On the left page is the side where I am the Mom to our four grandchildren: We feed them, clothe them, take them to activities, but also set restrictions, give guidance, and do everything parents have to do.

“On the right-side page of the book are our other four grandchildren who we treat like grandchildren: we send them cards and presents, talk with them by phone and visit them like grandparents. You just can’t be the same to all of them when your roles are different.”

Her relationship with her husband of nearly 29 years is good. “Although, I feel for him that five years ago, when he was 43, he had to handle a newborn for the first time during the days I was working 12 hour shifts as a CNA at the hospital,” she said.

“I was a mom at such an early age that by the time I was 20, I was doing things like I was 40. Now, in my forties, when I should be seeing the ‘fruits of my labors’, I’m still driving the SUV and going to grade school activities.”

“Currently, my daughter is in a good relationship with her boyfriend of several years whom we think is a decent guy. Their baby is nearly 18 months old. Because she is raising her youngest, she finally agreed to have her tubes tied. I knew Samantha would keep having kids until she could keep one for her own,”

As for their daughter’s four older children whom Jennifer and Tom are raising as their own, Jennifer says:

“The children are doing great in school. Chase is in third grade, Chloe and Caylee are in second and all three have just made straight As,” Jennifer said. “Connor is in pre-kindergarten”

Jennifer works daily as an LPN at a local community center for children-in-need. She has been a pediatric nurse there for nearly three years: giving flu vaccines, performing strep tests, and the countless other tasks such a young age group needs.

“Now that our four grandchildren have reached an age where it’s just regular activities, I’m thinking of going back to school, again,” she said. “This time, I will get my RN license.”

Going back to school at age 45?  

“Even though there are still plenty of daily activities, I don’t want to lose that part of me that’s me,” she said. “And, I still do my makeup every day. I don’t want to lose that part of me. After all, it doesn’t matter what others think they know…only you know what’s right for you.”